Nicola's Story

After having my second child, I experienced debilitating levels of panic, overwhelm, anxiety, intrusive thoughts and insomnia. I was experiencing constant, horrible, intrusive, egodystonic thoughts, meaning they are the opposite of who you are and what you want to do. It feels like being tortured by your own mind. I was feeling incapable, not good enough, extremely indecisive, had difficulty focusing, lost my appetite and had extreme performance anxiety. I wasn't feeling ready for my partner to go back to work after he'd had just over three weeks off.

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I pushed through, putting my kids and family first and my needs last, and finally contacted CaFHS when my son was just over 5 months old. CaFHS encouraged me to ring the ForWhen helpline or see my GP for a mental health care plan. I phoned ForWhen the same day, and Angela made me feel supported and heard, and emailed me three bulk-billed and two private psychology options. I didn't know about the Bupa Parent and Baby Wellbeing Program that I had access to through my hospital cover. Angela followed up for a month after I initially called, to make sure I had accessed more support and to check in on how I was going, which was helpful.

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The psychologist through the Bupa program picked up that I likely had OCD after I eventually confessed some of the themes of my intrusive thoughts (i.e. thoughts about running onto the road, stabbing myself in the chest, or harming my kids), and recommended seeing a psychologist who specialises in OCD, as well as a psychiatrist.

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Finally, when my son was about 13 months old, I was feeling more held by the supports I needed, including psychology, psychiatry, medication, and an understanding of OCD, so I could start to not engage in compulsions such as constantly seeking reassurance, rumination, thought suppression, thought confession, checking and avoidance. It was the worst episode of anxiety and OCD I've ever had, but also the most healing. Recovery is possible. It's not linear, and that's frustrating.